AVOID THE QUICK fixes

Emotional regulation can be considered something we, as humans, are constantly practicing. We, as adults, find it hard enough to “remain calm” but did you ever consider how difficult it might be for a child? Children can experience a whirlwind of emotions in a short amount of time. Add “trying to communicate efficiently” and what do we get? The answer is a very emotional child.

My 6-year-old son, Ash, began experiencing separation anxiety about 2 years ago. It started with a phrase we’ve all gotten to know well in our household – “But I don’t wanna go to school!” The first time we heard this, along with the second, third, and fourth, my husband and I automatically asked, “Why don’t you want to go to school bubba?” It was followed by A LOT of crying, INTENSE hugs, and would end with quickly throwing Ash into the car while sweating profusely and almost always arriving late to drop-off. The assistants in the school office got to know us well.

Over time, this exchange became our morning routine, and we considered it a small victory just getting him out the door. Now, it’s 2 years later, and here we are, still having easy days and not so easy days. It’s all still a work in progress.

Looking back at when Ash’s anxiety began, my husband and I forgot something. We were so caught up in saying what we thought we should say and acting how we thought we should ask aka asking why our child was upset and then move on from there with our day, that we forgot to really hear what our son was trying to say.

We were guilty, and still are, of going through the following “not so recommended” process:

1.        Parent sees child upset

2.        Parent asks, “What’s wrong?”

3.        Child tells parent what’s wrong using body language or verbal cues

4.        Parent replies with “Oh it’ll be okay” or “You’re okay” or “This is not something to get upset over.”

5.        This, majority of the time, results in the child remaining upset for a longer period, without the full attention of their parents, leaving the family, without resolution.

I was left with many questions: “Will things just slowly improve over time as the Ash grows?” Maybe… “Is this just a phase?” Could be… “Am I putting myself in his shoes to at least try and understand what he’s going through?” Nope! This led me to ask myself, “Am I showing Ash how much I care?” I shook my head, realizing that half the time we speak, I have my phone in my hand.

After seeing an increase in Ash’s anxiety as he transitioned into Kindergarten, my husband and I looked at each other and knew we had to develop some sort of plan. Along with deciding to place Ash in therapy for separation anxiety on a weekly basis, we knew there were important practices we could adopt in our home to help promote better communication between us and our son. I find myself looking at the following points frequently, especially when I know Ash is having a rough day in school. Just like I said in the beginning, this is all a work in progress. Am I able to remember ALL of these when engaging with Ash? Not so much. But being able to practice at least one during our conversations means that we are getting somewhere.

Enjoy taking a glance at some of these recommendations and feel free to incorporate them in your daily talks. Try them on. Get comfortable with them. After all, practice leads to progress.

  Give Your Full Attention: Put away distractions like phones or the TV when your child is talking. Make eye contact, nod, and show you're focused on them. This helps your child feel heard and valued.

  Use Active Listening: Show you're truly engaged by repeating back what they say, such as, “It sounds like you’re upset because your friend wasn’t nice today.” This shows you understand and encourages them to keep talking.

  Validate Their Feelings: Let them know it’s okay to feel whatever they’re feeling. You can say things like, “I can see that you’re really sad right now. It’s okay to feel that way,” to acknowledge their emotions without judgment.

  Avoid Interrupting: Allow them to speak without finishing their sentences for them. This helps them feel empowered to express their feelings fully.

  Use Open-Ended Questions: Ask questions that encourage them to share more about what they’re feeling, like “How did that make you feel?” or “What do you think would help?”

  Stay Calm and Present: Even if their emotions are intense, stay calm and composed. Your child will feel more secure knowing you can handle their emotions with care.

  Be Patient: Sometimes it takes a little time for children to open up. If they don’t want to talk right away, let them know you’re there when they’re ready.

  Avoid Quick Solutions: Resist the urge to immediately offer a solution unless they ask for advice. Often, children just need someone to listen and understand, not to fix the problem.

  Use Body Language: Kneel down to their level, hold their hand, or offer a comforting touch. Physical presence can make your child feel supported and more comfortable sharing.

  Ask About Their Needs: After listening, ask them what they need from you. Do they want a hug? Do they want help solving the issue, or do they just need you to listen?

  Set Aside Regular “Check-In” Time: Having consistent moments throughout the day, like after school, to check in emotionally can create a safe space for your child to open up.

  Create a Safe Environment: Encourage honesty by ensuring your child knows they won’t be criticized or punished for expressing their emotions. They need to feel like their concerns are respected.